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被情感操控者应当怎样调解关系?

How to End a Controlling or Manipulative Relationship如何结束一个控制或操纵型关系You\u0026#39;ve finally recognized your partner as an individual who needs to control and manipulate you. After time and many promises, you realize nothing has really changed, and you realize it isn\u0026#39;t likely to. Recognizing you will never be the captain of your own ship until you take your life back can be difficult, but you can do it. 你终于认识到了你的伴侣是一个需要控制和操纵你的人。在多次承诺后，你发现一切都没有改变，你发现不可能改变。要认识到重新获得自己的生活之前永远都无法成为自己。可能是一件困难的事情，但是你能办到。Steps步骤Don\u0026#39;t beat yourself up or consider yourself foolish. In recognizing your partner as controlling and manipulative, you must also recognize this: Though they can at first be charming, controlling and manipulative people are the unfortunate product of a high, incisive intellect and low self esteem. They are intelligent, usually charismatic people who, at first blush, seem to be confident, charming and together. It\u0026#39;s no wonder you found him or her attractive.不要自我打击，或者将自己看做是一个愚蠢的人。要认识到你的伴侣是控制型、操纵型的一个人，你就一定还要认识到这一点：虽然他们可能一开始具有魅力，可是控制型或操纵型的人是。。高智力和低自尊心的不幸产物。他们是很聪明、往往是很有魅力的人，一开始似乎很有自信，有魅力。难怪你会发现他/她具有吸引力。Admit your weakness. Many times, though your partner is controlling and/or manipulative (which is wrong), that partner is exploiting your own weaknesses (which enables the controlling/manipulative behaviors). Though both of you are in the wrong, if you are to avoid the same problems in the future, you will need to address your own insecurities about abandonment, loneliness, and/or your tendencies to wish to "rescue" or by virtue of your love alone, "repair" whatever damage you perceive in others. However, no matter who is most responsible, this situation needs to end. Work out your issues on your own, after separating from this relationship. 承认你的弱点。有许多次，虽然你的伴侣在控制与/或操纵你（这是不对的），但是那个人在利用你的弱点（那使控制/操纵行为能够进行）。虽然你们两个人都是有错，如果你要在未来避免同样的问题，你将需要解决自己对于抛弃、孤独感、与/或你要“拯救”的偏好或要“修复”你对别人感到的任何损失。然而，不论谁最要负责，这个情况需要结束。在从这段关系脱离后，独立地解决自己的问题。Get to the point and don\u0026#39;t try to cushion the blow or beat around the bush. Your first instinct is to do it in person (not always advisable, but the honorable first choice) and try to hurt your partner as little as possible, but this may only result in prolonging his/her agony - and yours. Come right out and declare your decision frankly, without hostility or cruelty. S/he will likely be stunned and/or shocked, and may question, attempt to bargain, cry, or become enraged - all are possible reactions. Be prepared for anything. 直截了当，不要去缓冲打击或拐弯抹角。你的第一直觉是当面进行（虽然不一定建议采取，可是确是可贵的首选）而且要尽可能少地伤害你的伴侣，但是这也许只会导致延长他/她的痛苦--还有你的。直。。。。坦诚地宣布你的决定，不要带有敌意或残忍。他/她将有可能感到。。或还可能会质疑、讨价还价、哭泣或变得暴跳如雷--所有者些都是可能的反应。对任何情况做好准备。Depending on your situation, your leaving may be best explained in a note. Be clear about your decision, and then leave at once. Example: "I\u0026#39;m so sorry, but this is not working for me any more, so I\u0026#39;m ending our relationship here. I will always care about you and wish you well, but it\u0026#39;s over." Do not say, "I Will Always Love You, XXOO Marty," or "I\u0026#39;ll be at my mom\u0026#39;s" or "If you need anything let me know." Even if you really do feel this way, this can become the tiny bit of hope s/he needs to continue the obsession with winning you back.根据你的处境而定，你的离开也许最好用一个留言条来解释。清晰地表明你的决定，然后，立刻离开。例如：“我很抱歉，但是这对我在也不。。了，所以，我在这里要结束我们的关系。我将永远关心你，祝福你，但是一切都结束了” 不要说：“我永远都爱你,XXOO Marty"或”我将。。“或”如果你需要任何，请让我知道“ 即便你的确有这样的感受，这可能成为他/她需要继续将你赢回的极小的希望。If you feel you must do this face to face, be brief and as dispassionate as possible. (And it\u0026#39;s wise to have your things packed and in your car already so that you just need to walk out.) Example: "I just wanted to say this in person. I\u0026#39;m leaving; our relationship has not worked out for me. I wish you well, but I can\u0026#39;t continue this," then walk out. Don\u0026#39;t look back, despite the fact that s/he is freaking out, shrieking that you can\u0026#39;t go, hanging from your pant leg, throwing various objects at you, threatening suicide, and generally having a complete meltdown.如果你感到自己必须面对面进行的话，尽可能地简短、不动容。（而且把你的东西收拾好，放在汽车周鹤洋你只需要走出去就可以了这么做是明智的）例如：”我希望当面说一说。我要走了：我们的关系对我来说不奏效。我祝福你，但是我不能继续下去。。“然后，走出去。不要回头看，尽管他/她在生气，尖叫着表示你不能走，。。。朝你丢各种各样的东西，威胁要自杀，总而言之处于一个完全情绪崩溃的状态。The less personal you can bring yourself to be, the better. It seems cold when your inclination is not to want to hurt your former love, but in reality, the less emotional you are, the less you will escalate the pain. Believe it. Your ex wants to control you and everything you do, and the more s/he realizes that s/he is no longer able to control you, the more intense and hysterical s/he is likely to become. It\u0026#39;s an effort to engage your feelings of guilt for hurting him/her, compassion for his or her pain, etc. S/he will want to get you to respond, as any polite or compassionate person wants to, but once you show any sort of mercy or positive response to this, s/he knows his/her rant has worked, and leaving becomes more difficult for you.让自己个人化越少越好。似乎当你的习性不是希望伤害旧爱。。。，可是现实上你情绪化越少，你就越会增加痛苦。。。你的前伴侣希望控制你，以及你做的每件事，他/她越是意识到再也无法控制，他/她可能变得越紧张/歇斯底里。。。。她将希望让你反应，正如同任何礼貌或具有同情心的人所希望的，但是一旦对此你表露出任何怜悯或积极响应，他/她知道他/她的。。奏效了，对你来说，离开变的更加困难。Be decisive and don\u0026#39;t fall for promises to change. Once you have identified your relationship as toxic to your individuality and future, you must take decisive steps. Wishy-washy, weak attempts to leave will be steamrolled, and you will be overrun by the will of your partner. Talking things over with your partner will not be likely to help: remember the crucial identifier - this is a controlling manipulator.果断，不要上当去相信要改变的承诺。一旦你发现了你的关系对你的个性和未来是有毒害的，你必须做出果断的行动。拖泥带水，离开的柔弱努力将会打压，你将被你的伴侣的意志所占领。和你的伴侣讨论解决不太。。会有帮助：记住至关重要的标记--这是一位有控制力的操纵者。As soon as you start making noises about being unhappy with controlling behaviors and preparing him or her for the fact you are thinking of ending the relationship, s/he will gladly give in to your desires - just long enough to keep you attached. Stringing you along with little bits of what you need or want makes you believe that s/he has finally heard you, understands your needs, and is willing to change. The problem is that s/he is probably not really capable of changing at this point (as evidenced by no change, despite many so-called efforts, over and over again). As soon as you settle back into the relationship, s/he knows you\u0026#39;re back on the hook and the bad behaviors resume. It\u0026#39;s all just been a kind of ploy to keep you around, continuing a vicious cycle and allowing him or her to re-establish control.一旦你开始表示。。对控制型行为感到不高兴；为他/她准备好你打算结束这段关系的事实而。。，他/她将会高兴地屈从于你的欲望--只要能。。。你被捆绑住。。给一点点你需要的或所想要的东西来套住你，让你相信他/她终于听了你的话，理解你的需求，愿意改。问题在于No turning back now.如今没有回路Leave at once. Having made your decision, waste no time. Notice, this is something like the third time the exhortation to leave is made. That\u0026#39;s because it\u0026#39;s so hard to leave - particularly if you decided a face-to-face farewell was necessary. You feel guilty, you may still love your partner, you don\u0026#39;t want to hurt him/her. But you really must go. Please believe that your attempts to leave on good terms will most likely not pan out. The truth is, these efforts will only make it less likely that you will ever be able to have even the most casual of contact with your ex without it turning into a terrible, embarrassing scene. Your caring response instills hope that control can be re-established, and so feeds the obsession with getting you back. - so much so that your partner may abandon all dignity and beg, cry, bargain, scream, etc. If you leave before your ex has completely humiliated him/herself, it really will end better. No matter how hard it is, turn your back on him/her, ignore the begging, sobbing, threatening and yelling, and put some steel in your back. Walk out the door. Shut it behind you.立刻离开。决定了你的方向后，不要浪费时间。注意，这是第三次做出离开的呼吁了。这是因为要离开真是太难了--尤其你认为一次面对面再见是必要的话。你会感到愧疚，你将依然爱你的伴侣，你不希望伤害他/她。但是你真地必须得走。请相信将最有可能不成功。实际上，这些努力仅仅会让你能……你的关心反应注入了控制可以重新建立的希望，因此满足了赢回你的执着，--以至于你的伴侣也许放弃一切尊严，祈求、哭泣、讨价还价、尖叫等等。如果你在你的前伴侣对自己完全羞辱之前离开，那将真地会有更好结局。不论有多难，对他/她转过身，对祈求、哭泣、威胁和大叫置之不理，。。走出门，把门关上。Stay away. Don\u0026#39;t accept phone calls, answer emails, IMs or text messages from him/her. Doing so will only create hope. It\u0026#39;s likely to end in an unholy debacle, and things will be worse than ever - you won\u0026#39;t just have an angry, upset ex - you\u0026#39;ll likely end up with a shrieking harpy freaking out and screeching for your blood. Remember again: this is a controlling, manipulative person who will say anything to win, and that is all this contact will be about. Once you have broken away, stay away. Having dinner alone with him/her, "just to talk" or "for the kids\u0026#39; sake" will destroy your resolve, and will also give your controlling ex the power s/he seeks again. Cut it clean, and let it go.离得远远的。不要接电话，不要回复电子邮件、他/她发送的短信。这么做只会制造希望。有可能最终是一个不。。的。。情况比过去都要更糟糕--你不仅仅有了一位愤怒、生气的前伴侣--而且你可能。。还是记住：这是一个控制型、操纵的人，会做一切事情获得胜利。一旦你已经脱离，保持远离。和他/她单独吃晚饭，“只是谈谈话”或“为了孩子”都会破坏你的决心，而且会再一次给与你前控制型伴侣所追求的力量。干脆地切断。Avoid mutual friends who are still in contact with your ex for some time after the breakup. The last thing you need is the passing, even inadvertently, of fuel into the fire in the weeks and months after the end of the affair. If you can\u0026#39;t avoid contact with these friends, keep your remarks to them carefully neutral, and don\u0026#39;t share details of the breakup, your feelings, or your insights on your ex with them - you can almost be assured these remarks will find their way back to your ex, and that will not be a good thing.在分手后一段时间回避仍然在和你的前伴侣有联系的共同朋友们。你最不需要的东西就是在结束后数周或数月为火中添油，即便那是不故意地。如果你无法回避这些朋友，对他们说的话要仔仔细细地中立，不要对他们说出分手的细节，你的感受，或你对前伴侣的看法--你可以几乎肯定的是这些话一定会跑回到你前伴侣的耳朵里面，而那将不是一件好事。Remain detached. In order to reassert control, your ex will look for signs that you are receptive to crying, begging, threats of self-harm, etc. If you simply do not react, you will give no fuel to your ex\u0026#39;s belief that s/he can win you back, and it will be truly over much sooner. S/he will cry, rage, rant, become hysterical if you allow him/her to. 继续脱离。为了重新施加控制，你的前伴侣会寻找你接受的信号，。。哭泣、祈求、自我伤害威胁等等。如果你更本就不做出反应，你就不会对你的前伴侣认为能赢回你的想法添加燃料，那么很快就会真地结束了。如果你允许，那么他/她将会哭、愤怒、大发脾气，变得歇斯底里。Being compassionate and trying to comfort or spare your ex further pain will only make it more difficult to break away. Every minute that you stay, talk, commiserate, apologize, or otherwise play along is a win for your ex, because s/he knows you feel helpless to leave him/her in such an awful state. Key word: helpless. Other key word: YOU. Generally think of your ex as a sleeping dragon. The more time s/he stays asleep (e.g., thinks about things other than you), the more likely s/he will stay asleep.同情，努力安慰或者饶恕你的前伴侣得到更多的痛苦只会让分手更困难。你留下来、说话、怜悯、道歉或逢场作戏。的每一分钟，对于你的前伴侣来说，那都是一个胜利，因为他/她知道你感到在这么糟糕的一个处境中，要离开他/她时。。你感到了无助。关键词；无助。另一个关键词：你。总地来说，把你的前伴侣考虑成一条正在睡觉的龙。他/她花的睡觉时间（例如，考虑除了你之外的东西）越长，那么他/她一直睡着的可能性越大。Not every controlling or manipulative person is dangerous, but some are. Most will respond to a show of strength - if you show up with friends or relatives to back you up, or if you refuse all contact, 9 times out of 10, this will be enough to make your point and put an end to things. If not, enlist help, either from police (a restraining order) or from a mental health specialist who may be able to help you identify whether your ex is a danger to you or others, or to him or herself, and will know the appropriate steps to take in that case.虽然不是每一个控制型或操纵型的人都是危险的人，但是有一些是。多数人面对力量炫耀会有响应--如果你出现的时候有朋友或亲戚们一同出现来支持你，或者如果你拒绝一切联系，那么十之八九，那足以表明你的意思，并让事情结束。如果没有的话，获得帮助，从警方（是一条抑制令）或者是一位神健康专家那里；他可能帮助你辨认你的前伴侣是不是对你或别人或对他/她自己有危险；他还会知道那样的情况下要采取的适当步骤。Don\u0026#39;t delete text messages from your ex, but don\u0026#39;t respond to them, either. When you respond, it\u0026#39;s a minor win, and continues to feed the notion that a bigger win is in the offing. However, should your ex become stalker-ish, these text messages can provide valuable evidence to the police if you want to get a restraining order.不要删除你前伴侣发送给你的短信，但是也不要回复它们。当你回复，那是一次小胜利，继续在助长了一次更大的胜利不久将到来这样的想法。然而，如果你的前伴侣变得跟踪型，这些短息可以在如果你想获得一个抑制令时为警方提供宝贵的证据。Cutting off all contact seems cruel, but it\u0026#39;s a case of "cruel to be kind." No response = no point in continuing this. Any response = keep trying. The quicker and cleaner your message is received, the sooner s/he will move on to someone else, and you will be free of a potentially explosive situation. The more little tidbits of contact you drop back into your ex\u0026#39;s court, the more frustrating it will become for your ex when you continue to resist further efforts. The more frustrated s/he becomes, the more his/her anger and rage become inflamed. No matter how difficult it is, no matter what tender feelings you still have, do not express any of that to your ex. It won\u0026#39;t help. It will just make the breakup more difficult for both of you.切断一切联系似乎是残忍的，可是这是“残忍地善良”。没有回复 = 没有继续真么做的意义。有任何回复 = 再试试看。 你的信息越。。。快、短，那么他/她越快就会。。别人，你将会摆脱一个潜在爆发的情况。你。。。的越少，对你的前伴侣来说，当你继续抵制未来努力，。。将越令人沮丧。他/她越沮丧，他/她的愤怒之火越大。不论有多么难，不论你还有什么柔情，不要对你的前伴侣表达出来。那没有帮助。那仅仅会让分手对你两来说更困难。Get your support network back. Go to the friends and family you will inevitably have been disconnected from by your controller, fall on your sword, and ask them to take you back. Without trash-talking (or letting others do it, either), you can say, "The bottom line is, you were right, the relationship was toxic, and once I realized it, I got out. I appreciate you taking the risk you did by sharing your misgivings about it with me."重新获得你的支持系统。去找你的那些不可避免被你的控制者所切断的朋友和家人们，。。。让他们重新接纳你。不要说坏话（或者让别人去说），你可以说：“总地说，你是对的，这是一段有毒性的关系，而且一旦我发现后，我就走了出来。我很感激你冒险做出的行为，和我分享了你的。。疑虑”Don\u0026#39;t assume that a mild, calm encounter with this person will end well for you; it may be weeks or months, but it\u0026#39;s virtually guaranteed that you\u0026#39;ll hear something horrible about yourself from a mutual acquaintance somewhere. Resist the urge to re-engage with your ex for the sake of "setting the record straight". Just let it go - the people who know you will figure out which of you is the more truthful, more by your responses and actions than anything else. Simply say, "That\u0026#39;s just not true, but if it makes him/her feel better to say it... whatever." Just shrug and show them there\u0026#39;s nothing you can do to stop your ex from saying such things, and then move on.不要认为和这个人进行一次温和、平静的会面会对你结果有好处；有可能等数周或数月之后，但是基本可以保证你会从某个地方的一位共同相识的人那里听说关于你很糟糕的话。克服重新和你的前伴侣再次往来以“说明真相。。“的冲动。算了。。--那么了解你的人们会明白你们谁更真实，看你的是的反应和行动。只要说：”那不是真的，但是如果要那么说会另他/她好过...”只要耸耸肩，然后告诉他们你没有什么可以去做来阻止你的前伴侣不说那样的话，然后，就此不。。提。
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